Internal Happiness

The other day, my childhood friend and I were in the middle of a lengthy discussion. We were chatting about our goals (career and life-wise), and she asked a particularly intruiging question. The conversation is summarized below:

"What makes you happy?"

I immediately responded without a second thought. (My mouth tends to talk faster than I think).

"Writing for others. Making decisions in high pressure and stressful environments, like the ER. I'm happy when my efforts are recognized, through projects or rotations."

Her follow-up question was logical yet unexpected.

"What makes you happy internally? "

I opened my mouth, expecting to shoot back a rapid answer.

And I paused (and closed my mouth).

I mentally assessed my previous list. A few minutes passed.

And in the end, this was the best answer I could come up with.

"I honestly don't know what makes me happy. Or what I've accomplished internally."

This brings me to the topic of today's post: Internal happiness.

I've always labeled myself as a workaholic. Whether it is blogging, writing, or diving into primary literature--I love being busy. I love that my work has the potential to help students. But more than that, I thrive with fast-paced, always-on-your-toes work. I come alive when countless problems are hurled towards me. It represents a mentality, a purpose of "Okay. Prioritize. This comes first. Then do this. And then once you're done with those tasks, here is another hearty helping of problems to be solved!"

If you notice, all of the "happiness points" that I have listed above are purely external. This means that I derive satisfaction from outside factors (such as being published, receiving high marks on an evaluation, etc). I always like knowing that a juicy reward is dangling just a few projects away.

Up until this point, I have coexisted with my slightly overzealous work attitude. But with my friend and I's conversation, I encountered some unpleasant existential questions.

• What happens when there are more problems; no more tasks?
• Why do I have to rely on others to make me happy?
• What is internal happiness? How can happiness come from within?

When you rely on external factors for satisfaction, life must be an unending "To-Do" List. It must consist of a tangle of impossible problems which have no solutions. As my friend adeptly explained, I am an achievement junkie. Achievements are quantifiable, short-term rewards which then feed into my self-worth and how I view myself.

This can also be viewed as a form of addiction. I am constantly seeking out and looking for my next "high"--my next assignment, next patient work-up, next box to check on my list. But what is the result? What happens when I run out of achievements? When can I have enough "achievements" that I can truly feel satisfied with myself?

The truth is...

I have never truly felt "fulfilled". There is a part of me that relentlessly wants more. What I have now, is not enough. I have to continue working.

I am scared to reach the end of my To-Do list, because I am scared that I will never feel happy again.

In pharmacy school, we were always inundated with deadlines. There was always something that was coming up. Exams, projects, journal clubs, labs. We prepared for the future; registered for rotations, prepared for ASHP midyear, interviewed for residencies, and graduated. And after graduation, we were required to study and pass our board and law exams. I suspect that medical and nursing schools are structured similarly.

I struggled with the transition from a pharmacy student to a pharmacist. For the first time in 9 years, I truly had the chance to breathe and take a step back. And despite all of that education, I had no idea what made me happy internally.

What is internal happiness, anyway? In short, I would define it as the happiness that comes from within. (I know, it's a cheesy definition, but the best I could come up with in the moment). This is a softer happiness, and depends on who you are.

I've brainstormed a list of internal factors below, but this list might change as I grow older.

• Family & friends- I am thankful to have an amazing support system.
• Health - #hydrohomie.
• Employment - Although we tend to pick up on what we don't enjoy about jobs, I am grateful for the opportunity to provide for myself.
• Education: I've worked hard to get to where I am today.

I believe that sometimes, we are so caught up in "what could be" that we honestly forget to appreciate what we have "today". Of course, life is a never-ending journey, but sometimes we need to take a step back, reassess what we do have, and just breathe.

I will end off with how we started--with a quote that I encountered during my Google searches.

"Happiness is intrinsic, it's an internal thing. When you build it into yourself, no external circumstances can take it away. " -Leo Buscaglia